Meet the Avoider

Main Focus: Exaggerates and focuses on the positive to an extreme, ignoring the bad when it should be paid attention to. Avoids, can even appear oblivious to difficult situations, unpleasant tasks and avoids conflict even when it is necessary.

Characteristics: Says yes and is agreeable even when they don’t want to be and even when it goes against their goals or values. Can live more in the fantasy vs the reality of situations to avoid being uncomfortable or in conflict. Doesn't say no even when they don’t want to do something. Tends to be passive-aggressive because being direct is not in their nature. Feel most comfortable in routines and habits; tends to procrastinate when faced with an unpleasant task or one they feel intimidated by.

Thoughts: In unpleasant situations they avoid with the hopes that the situation will take care of itself or magically disappear. Would rather lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings even when the lie hurts more in the long run. Feels that conflict has the potential to end relationships so they do not engage; gives other people their way to get out of conflict or disagreements.

Feelings: Mostly pretty relaxed on the outside, but anxious on the inside that all they have been avoiding, pretending away, or procrastinating on will catch up with them. Fear of being caught or “found out” is ever-present. Does not express anger towards others, suppresses it, and carries resentment.

Lies They Tell You: That you are a good person for not engaging in conflict with others – even at the expense of your own feeling and values. That you are more laid back and relaxed than everyone else. That you are the peacemaker.

Impact on Self and Others: When you avoid conflict and negativity you never have the opportunity to learn from them and build confidence by turning them around. Being numb and avoiding situations is not the same as gaining wisdom from negative experiences. Relationships never get deep or real because they are kept on a superficial level. Others lose trust in you because they know you are holding back information and your true feelings.

Original Survival Function: Avoider could rise from both happy and difficult childhoods. In happy childhood, one might not have learned the resiliency of dealing with difficult emotions, perhaps conflict was never modeled for the child to learn healthy ways of expressing themselves and resolving conflict. In a childhood of high conflict and tension, the Avoider might come in to play peacemaker and learn to not add any negativity or tension to the existing family tensions.