Meet the Controller

Main Focus: Lives very much with anxiety as their constant companion. Desire to always be in charge and have things done their way. Needs to control situations and others’ actions to be more in line with theirs. Manipulates people and situations to get the outcome they want. Because so much is out of their control anxiety and lack of patience are their go-to response to situations they cannot control, or when others resist their controlling ways.

Characteristics: Needs to always be in charge, does not have confidence in others’ abilities. Connections with others are through competitive ways with challenges, physicality, or conflict. Can be confrontational and direct. Pushes others beyond what they are comfortable with. Does not understand when others get their feelings hurt (especially by them). Their communication style can be perceived as anger or criticism. Energized by accomplishments, especially when “beating the odds”.

Thoughts: The Controller believes that if they are not the one in control, then they are out of control and they cannot deal with this. They believe they have earned the right to control people and situations. They believe this ensures it will go their way, which is the correct way. They believe they are doing you a favor by taking control.

Feelings: Anxious pretty much all the time, but especially when things do not go their way, or they are not the ones in control. Anger, intimidation, and frustration come into play when others don’t listen to them. Get impatient with people with different styles than them or when others express their feelings. They can get their feelings hurt, but will rarely tell anyone.

Lies They Tell You: That nothing would get done, and it especially will not be done correctly if they do not take control. If I am not the one in control, then I am being controlled and that is unacceptable. The controller believes their controlling ways benefit everyone.

Impact on Self and Others: Although the controller might achieve results, they do it at the expense of other people's feelings and self-worth. This leaves people feeling resentful. This behavior also causes anxiety in the controller and those they are trying to control, especially since so much is out of our control.

Original Survival Function: The Controller is usually born from the fear of being controlled. This could be traced back to children who are forced to take on adult roles or adult responsibilities when they are not equipped to do so. Children who grow up in abusive or chaotic, even dangerous environments are forced to be in control to protect themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some controllers come from being hurt, rejected, or betrayed and they think taking control will equal never being vulnerable, and therefore never being hurt again.